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Written @ Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My mood today sucks to the core totally.
Firstly,
mum went to Italy...
She's gonna go for one week...
And i dohno wad am i going to be without her for this week..
Daddy's gonna go to Malacca early tomorrow morning..
Hais... they both leave me in Singapore...
frankly speaking...
I feel Lost without them by my side...
even for a day~

My daddy has a big tummy~

Kuala?

In today's post..
I would like to talk about the topic "Family"
Can anyone tell me ...
what exactly is a Family?
Recently...
I''m having problems again....
She's driving me crazy!
She makes me want to kill myself...

Today after school,
went to buy clothings for Asia COnference tomorrow..
Went to Airport to send mummy off..
She called me.... rant at me...
I told her i was at the airport sending a friend off...
Why must i lie?
Why must i say it was a friend?
I don't want to....
Why can't you just let mummy be my mummy?
Why must you be so cruel?
why can't you just let me be happy?
Every single day...
You call me.... saying how i get you into deep shit...
saying how i embarass you...
saying how heartless i am...
saying how useless i am....
Saying that you have to give me money weekly...
But hey! you adopted me first...
right from the start...
fufiling my needs its your responsibility...
If you do not wish to support me financially...
Why adopt me at first...
and let me suffer all your rubbish now?
Want to know the reason why i left home..
and i never wish to go back?
YES! YOU WANT THE TRUTH?
I'll TELL YOU!!!
YES!!! IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
why must i get scolded for nothing every single day i return home after school feeling so tired...?
why must i let you vent your rubbish anger at me?
You should know how old you are now?
isn't it supposed to be I, who vent rubbish anger and not you?
You are soo much older than I am ...
you should jolly well know how to think better than me...
Stop your old- fashioned nags...
stop saying how bad i am ,
when you yourself.....can't see things that you done to hurt me...
Yes... if you are one of my family members...
I know the moment you see this ,
you will definetly flare up..
But why not give me a chance to prove you all that I am not always wrong?
You all will say,
that how much she dote on me by buying stuffs for me..
newest gadgets, slimming package....etc
for me....
Yes.... indeed.... bt have you ever thought...
All that she can do ,
is to give in money to buy me gadgets...?!
But...the main thing is.... Can She Give Me Love?
No... No way....
I don't feel anything from her....
I don't feel at least loved by her...
to me... the r/s between us is only money?
Who says I don't love you?
You want me to tell you what that i've done before
and how many things you have in return hurt me?
countless.. even my toes n fingers add up together..
it's still not enough...
If any of my famly members want to know...
Ask me...and i'll tell you...
Have i ever told you,
that i hate comparison?
And have i ever told you....
I hate your assumtion....
your assumtion out of a 100%....
its always 99.9% not accurate...
you put words into my mouth....
why do you have to always say things that makes me the bad person?
Have you ever wonder it was you instead of me?
I know you're old already...
you want me to care for you ....
but know what?
Whenever i go back to temple....
Look at your eyes...
you're staring at me....
with all those hatreds i see in your eyes..
what are these?
I speak to you nicely..
please in return speak back to me nicely...
dun scream at me... cauz i'll definetly flare up...
that's my personality....
it's me!
Another person that makes me really dunwan to go back is
SECK MUN HO!!
what's wrong with you?
why must you always pick on me? uh?
dun you think you are super bias?
why does everyone dote on Joanne ever since young?
Hey look! i'm the youngest...
shouldn't you all dote on me more?
NO!!! dun tell me because she is physically weak..
thtat's SHIT!
know what...
i never forgot...
5 years... i'm living without any of my family members celebrting my birthday..
not even to say with a cake...
remember one year...
You bought a cake for me..
i remembered it was Mango cake from Bangawan Solo...
We bought it at Marine Terrace..
That day... you had to go out chant...
Leaving me to celebrate it alone...
that day was a Sunday...
my temple house was full of relatives...and not to say my own family members...
i took out the cake... place the candle right in the middle of the cake..
No one... NO one.. came to even bother to sing a birthday sing for me...
nevermind... that's alright... i cut the cake myself...
went around with cakes on my little hands...
No one... No one.... even want to entertain me by just having a slice if my birthday cake...
And... let me relate it to a bias source...
That year..
it was Joanne's birthday...
She had a customized Little twin star cake for her birthday...
everyone although rushing off to chant during the evening..
sat down and sang birthday song for her...
3 languages... cantonese chinese english....
other nun personally drove to temple just to celebrate her birthday...
even the OLDEST in temple..
sat down right beside her.....
celebrating her birthday..
taking pictures....
why is it so not fair...
and every single time...
It's always her that is benefiting...
Abalones, Expensive Soup, and everything that is higher class,
all goes right into that mouth of hers...
why?
You said i was unfilial..
then you're totally WRONG!
I wanted to have a good r/s with you...
But you pushed it away YOURSELF....
Last last year...
Yes... i found myself a mum...and infact a dad...
Know what?
they surprised me with a Birthday Cake last year...
they sang me Birthday song,
took soo many pictures with me....
that made me really tear,
why my family members can't do the same..
and they are just an outsider...
NO! NO MORE!
To me... my mum & dad seemed soo much kinner to me...
They really love me...
from deep down their heart...
I felt it...
And you'll never understand...
If one day...
you planned to give me up...
please tell me...
because...
i do not want to hurt you deeper...
Nor do i want to make myself that miserable..
tell me.. i shall set you fre from paying for all my needs...
and you.....
shall set me free...
and end my pain....

And....I'm thinking about YOU again...
Why is it that I can't win!
Hais... tata~